thoughts of love as an action

shared by Jonah Lalas, her friend from college

[The entry below is an article that was originally published in the UCLA Newspaper, the Daily Bruin, April 2003]

I commend the Daily Bruin’s editorial piece on the memory of Cindy Rabuy and setting her as a prime example of a student activist (Viewpoint, April 4, 2003). But I wanted to highlight another aspect of Cindy I think we can all learn from: her capacity to be loving.

 

I read a book last year by black social critic and feminist theorist bell hooks entitled “All About Love: New Visions.” Given hook’s radical history of works on race, gender, and class, I was a little skeptical to learn she’d written a book on love. Because our society is inundated with best-selling “self-help” books like “Men Are from Mars, Women Are From Venus” that merely reinforce existing assumptions about gender, I thought hooks finally sold out. I was pleasantly surprised that hook’s book is not some sort of guide, but a theory that challenges us to redefine our definition of love. Oftentimes, when we think of the word love, we think of a “feeling.” We think of that “force” between Romeo and Juliet, or that feeling we had as a child when our parents took us to Disneyland or bought us that Christmas gift we always wanted.  hooks disregards such simplicity and claims love is an action. It’s not something that you can merely “fall” into or lose control of, nor is love simply a matter of pleasing someone, or satisfying his or her desires with hugs and kisses. It is something that you do. It is a verb. It is a choice characterized by responsibility, respect, commitment, honesty, trust, mutuality and affection that leads to the spiritual growth and self-fulfillment of others. Cindy epitomizes all of these qualities.

Cindy demonstrated extreme dedication to improving the lives of individuals in many ways, but I knew her most for her involvement with the Pilipino community through SPEAR, the Samahang Pilipino Education and Retention program, that provides peer counseling and academic support to students. Her ability to listen attentively to dozens of her student’s stresses and concerns and make them a part of her life is a testimony to her loving personality. She was also a woman of conviction, a visionary who knew what she thought needed to change on campus. She did not simply follow the dominant thought of those above her, and when she witnessed something wrong, she refused to follow the herd. More importantly, if she noticed something in you that showed promise and potential to benefit the community, she did not hesitate to push you to the next level, refusing to allow your talents to go to waste. It was because of her that I got involved with various students groups and ran for certain positions, even though I did not fully have the confidence to do so. In fact, many times she probably believed in me more than I believed in myself. She was the catalyst for so many people who set off internal chain reactions that made you discover talents and magic you thought you never had.

But the one thing that I will always remember Cindy for is her ability to challenge others. She made me realize how cold-hearted I could be towards people, even those close to me. She exposed to me my narcissism. I didn't know how to listen, so when I spoke with her, the conversation always centered on me. Finally, we were talking one night last year and she opened up and started telling me some of the conflicts she was going through. And when I put down the phone, it hit me: I had known this person for a year and a half, and I knew nothing about who she really was. She makes you feel so good about yourself and provides you with so much inspiration, that you forget to ask, “So, what about you? How are you doing?” So from that point on, I made a commitment to change. 

Not only did she challenge me on my arrogance, but she also served as an example of what a loving person should be. She always talked about her loving sisters, whom she got along with so well. I remember the affection she displayed towards her friends, and the way she would talk about the people close to her. She helped me to discover that to love is also to be happy and I aspired to follow her example.

But Cindy was not a machine. She was a human being just like the rest of us who needed validation. Sometimes all of this activism, this selfless commitment to others can tire a person out. One night towards the beginning of summer, she expressed to me how unappreciated she felt and questioned whether or not all of those years of service, and countless hours of dedication to the community at the sacrifice of her grades and social life was worth it. At that moment of vulnerability, I reminded her to just look back at all of the lives she’s touched with her friendship, including mine.

We all have Cindy’s in our lives and it’s up to us not only to follow their example to become active and loving, but to start appreciating and celebrating them while they’re alive. She helped to teach me the importance of family and friendship. She inspired and believed in me. And more importantly she showed me what bell hooks could only describe in a book: love is not just a feeling, love is an action.