thoughts of writing to your future self

shared by Angela Makabali, her cousin

Cyn gave me a journal when I left for college. On the first page, she wrote an inscription. (I always thought Cyn had some of the nicest handwriting I've ever seen, and that's still the case. It was likely part of the package of being as artistically amazing as she was, I imagine.) The basic gist of it conveyed that one of the things she really appreciated in college was her old-fashioned, non-electronic journal because it was like writing to your future self--and possible future generations--to document all of the lessons in all their painful, funny, and/or ridiculous glory.

It was the first journal I ever finished from the first page to the last. In that journal, I worked through my first legitimate relationship, the disappointment of not getting a summer counseling position, the growing of my political consciousness, and the various everyday run-ins that made up my first year of college. Since then, I've filled more than 800 pages that have gotten me through the last 8 years.

One thing Cyn's gift taught me is that the exercise of journaling is one that requires confronting the self even when you don't want to. While I haven't completely learned to let go of my gods, I have a better idea of what those gods are. There are times that I don't want to write about things because it requires me to relive the emotions, but like all things that lead to growth, I've learned courage, but also to give myself grace when I feel like I don't deserve it. Being able to look back at my writings from almost a decade ago reminds me that while change is slow, it really is there, and that Cyn is there to watch out for me along the way.